The Unsettling Consequences Of Britain's National Pastime: Extreme Croquet.
February 8th 2025

Extreme Croquet: A National Obsession with Unsettling Consequences
In the quaint villages and manicured lawns of rural England, a peculiar pastime has been quietly thriving for centuries. It's an activity that brings together people from all walks of life, united by their love of mallet-wielding, hoop-throwing, and – above all – extreme sportsmanship. While it may seem like a harmless game to the uninitiated, those who have ventured into the world of Extreme Croquet can attest to its darker side.
The origins of Extreme Croquet are shrouded in mystery, but it's believed to have originated in the 19th century as a form of entertainment for the aristocracy. The game has since evolved to include an array of bizarre and exotic obstacles, such as flaming hoops, razor-sharp hurdles, and – in one particularly notorious variation – a pit filled with live alligators.
Competitors in Extreme Croquet are subjected to rigorous training regimens, designed to push their physical limits to the breaking point. Players must develop lightning-quick reflexes, precision timing, and an unwavering focus on winning at all costs. The sport demands an unrelenting commitment to mental toughness, a trait that has earned it a reputation as one of the most intense spectator sports in the world.
But beneath its idyllic surface, Extreme Croquet harbours a darker secret. Those who participate in the game often report experiencing strange and vivid hallucinations, as if their minds are being manipulated by some unseen force. Some players have even claimed to have seen ghostly apparitions lurking just beyond the edge of the playing field – the spirits of past opponents, perhaps, or the manifestation of their own subconscious anxieties.
One particularly disturbing phenomenon has been observed in Extreme Croquet's most elite competitors: a condition known as "Croquet-Induced Psychosis" (CIP). Affected players exhibit erratic behaviour, hallucinations, and an unnerving fixation on the game. In extreme cases, CIP can lead to violent outbursts, aggressive aggression towards opponents, and – in one documented case – a complete breakdown of the player's mental faculties.
Despite these unsettling consequences, Extreme Croquet continues to attract new recruits with its promise of high-stakes competition and adrenaline-fueled thrills. The sport has even spawned a thriving underground network of illicit tournaments, where players can compete for cash prizes and bragging rights in the shadows of mainstream society.
As we gaze upon the manicured lawns and tranquil gardens that host these Extreme Croquet matches, it's easy to feel a sense of unease – as if something sinister lurks beneath the surface. But perhaps this is the nature of the game itself: a twisted dance between reason and madness, where only the strongest survive.
In the world of Extreme Croquet, the stakes are high, and the rewards are greater. Will you join the ranks of the brave and the bold, or will you flee from the horrors that lurk beneath its idyllic surface? The choice is yours – but be warned: once you step onto the playing field, there's no turning back.